This memory loss problem that I have can sometimes be quite advantageous. It forces you to live in the moment. If that moment was painful or uncomfortable, I can relax and wait until I forget. I know something happened, but I am not obsessing over it as I once did. It is basically easier to move on. Also I tend to trust my gut feeling a little more, and the gut feeling usually is right. This was profound while talking to my partner about football, and I am not a major football fanatic, though I know some stuff. She told me a player has been bought, and then she tested me: in what position does he play? My first thought was goalie. In a split second I doubted myself but it turned out to be correct. My memory is still there, it is simply harder to reach.
I find that memory is often based on associations. You know the oven gets hot because you associate it with “burn”. You know that if a plant pot is dry it needs water. You know that if it hurts just above your eyes, you are tired. Sometimes I miss the associations because my brain doesn’t make them. Take sleep for instance: I haven’t slept properly for days because of the heat wave in Europe. However, I forget. Usually when I sleep little my body is tired and I need to preserve energy a little better. But when I forget that I slept little, I do everything that I would normally do. This has led me to have heart palpitations, chest pressure, migraines and brain fatigue (ie. harder to write articles or make sense of what I read). I tend to over exceed, when I shouldn’t.
When something happens to you that changes everything, it is good to evaluate the damage and access how it affects you. I might not be able to do many things all at once, which was something I was good at, but at leas I am not constantly obsessing about certain things. If I remember this correctly, I asked my psychologist to teach me how to be and how to manage my behaviour. I do not know how to deal with stress because I can’t remember it. As I can’t remember what I learned from experience – like the little tricks or identifying triggers – I am unable to apply them now, which makes me more vulnerable to stress. She told me that because I have a burnout whatever “tricks” or whatever I knew before, wasn’t good enough in the first place. So, on the bright side, I get to create new behaviours.
Knowing your handicap and living with it is tough, but it will eventually happen. From this blog I can see that in the beginning of this year I was extremely upset, unable to grasp what just happened to me. Now I see a future but I am waiting until I was mentally healthy to pursue it. However, nothing is perfect, and there are still bad days. Either way, it is important to know that this whole experience is a roller coaster. Sometimes life happens, and you just have to go along with it.
Note that I am unable to read all this and make sense of it. This will therefore be published without proof reading.